Sex

Woody Allen told us about the things we wanted to know but were afraid to ask, but there are many things we didn't know that we didn't think to ask about; a case of Rumsfeldian unknown unknowns.
Once you've had sex -- successfully in the procreative sense rather than in the Kinsey sense -- many people will tell you that nine months later you need to do it again, to see the result of what you put in come out again.
Why? Because your sperm (yes, I'm addressing an exclusively male audience in this post, except that women ought to recognise that we know now) contains prostaglandin , a hormone-like substance that is supposed to induce birth. So it makes sense for you to mount / be mounted by the bearer of your child (even with your cracked ribs) to end procrastination. However, the prostaglandin doesn't need to go in that way. The hormone simply needs to be added to the expectant mother's body, and she can quite easily ingest it without the need to come to blows, so to speak.

Irrepressable Nature

I've been reading an abridged version of Wu Cheng'en's Journey to the West recently, or Monkey as we know it. And it's excellent. It's on ITV4 twice a week (Thursdays and Fridays at 6pm) if you're in the UK. I also recommend the Monkey Heaven site for much simian paraphenalia.

cui bono

So, Labour's in disarray according to anyone with a page or time slot to fill; and yes, I recognize the irony of commenting on that myself. Some have more to say than others: about 1/3 of the Guardian's front page is pictures of briefcases... Nevertheless, while Clarke, Hewitt and Prescott do their utmost to embarass themselves, you have to ask who benefits from these shambles? Clearly there are local elections next week, so this would appear to be a great opportunity for Labour's rivals.
The Tories are on shaky ground trying to make political capital here: they can't play the Prescott sleaze card without calling a kettle black, no swing voters could seriously trust them to improve the NHS and their election strategy seems to consist of Dave Cameron standing on a Norwegian ice floe.
The Lib Dems meanwhile couldn't organize a leadership election among MPs let alone run an effective local election campaign nationally, so what hope does their dynamic "Mingis" have?
Of course, both parties (and others) will reap the votes of the disaffected and Labour will have a poor Thursday night and Friday morning next week. The worse they do, the more pressure on the New Labour leadership and TB. Silent Gordon is clearly hoping for more skeletons to emerge over the next few days.

Shift down

At the risk of being called a hypocrite, let me point you in the direction of National Downshifting Week. This -- albeit horribly designed -- web site has advice on how to lead a more relaxed lifestyle and save money to boot. It's not all completely thought through, but it is worth the read, particularly when it comes to initiatives relating to the company you work for.

Statistical anomaly

As I attend my Birth Basics classess with my wife, I have discovered a number of interesting facts on subjects as diverse as hormones and pain relief. But here's a striking one. Apparently 50% of all twins are now delivered by Caesarian section. Does that mean one each?

Google Gaydar

Not only has Google come to dominate web searching over the last few years, it can now find out people's sexuality. Just go there and search for "ashley cole". Scroll a little further beyond the top few sponsored links and you'll see Google suggesting results for "ashley cole" gay. Could Google's automated searching suggestions be libellous?

Demi-pension

It's a bit of a hobby-horse of mine, pensions. There are a couple of things about them I'd like to reiterate:

1. They almost certainly offer the best return on savings available in the UK, as the government actually invests your a rebate into the plan; if you're a basic-rate taxpayer, for example, the Treasury pays in 22p for every 78p you contribute.


2. The earlier you start to contribute, the more you'll save. Even if you start piling in loads of cash in your thirties, you'll never make up what you would have made if you'd started contributing a tiny sum in your twenties.

This applies to private pensions, of course, be they stakeholder or otherwise. But this is what you have to rely on now as successive governments have ducked the bullet on state pension contributions. Moreover, if you look back to 1950, there were roughly five workers for every pensioner. But by the time I hope to retire, around 2030, the ratio of workers to pensioners will have halved. That means half the money to help me out in my old age; and when the full state pension is currently around £70 a week just think how far it'll go by the time you retire.
I could point you in loads of different directions for information about pensions and why you need to save more. For the moment, however, I'm going to stick to this article in the excellent Motley Fool, which sets out all the changes that are taking place to pensions from the new financial year.
You should take advantage of some these changes as you can, even though they may seem unpalatable. If not, just spend 2 minutes on this form to see how poor you might end up.

(Data)Base values

Is the government simply pandering to a populist agenda or has it completely lost the plot when it comes to databases? The latest wheeze is to get a list of anyone who has failed a Criminal Record Bureau check that debars them from working with children and (although the BBC seems to think it's designed for schools) allow any Tom, Dick or Rebekkah Wade jump to their own conclusions about which paedophile's house to attack first.
I really can't fathom this. Currently any person registering as a childminder has to pass a CRB check; they can't be listed as a childminder without going through this process, so all a parent has to do is ask for proof of registration. No school or private nursery can employee someone without having passed a CRB check. So what possible benefit does a database that anyone can access offer any of the vulnerable groups this legislation is supposedly safeguarding? It's just going to lead to abuse (by newspapers I expect) and errors.
The only consolation -- if you can call it that -- is that judging by some of the other registration schemes the government has tried to build over the last few years, they'll never get round to implementing this one. There's a high price to pay for necessary ineffectualness.

Redcurrant morning

Elation at last night's footie will last at least until the Highbury match, when Arsenal will return to their former selves. What happened? That's the best that I've seen Ljungberg play this season and Gilberto ever. Our best two players were Fabregas and Eboue (who completely logged on Robinho), but everyone played well. The first English side to win in the Bernabeu, without an Englishman in the side! Which brings me to Alan Hansen.
He claims that we have to "start buying English players again", yet somehow we managed to win without having Chris Sutton up front. According to the Scot, Wenger's "young players are too young and his old players are too old", but my feeling is age has nothing to do with it, particularly as Hansen's most famous lack of prescience was that "you can't win anything with kids" and that Milan reached last year's Champions League final with Cafu, Costacurta and Maldini at a combined age of about 473.
Hansen's article may have been a bit of a Phil Space piece, but my most eloquent response can only be 1-0 to the Arsenal...

Que sera, sera...

Morning karatekas; it's a chilly one isn't it.
So after all, the news we all expected came in today that Wembley won't host this year's Cup final. A bit of an embarrassment for the Evening Standard which just 5 days ago praised the new stadium in a blatant plug. "Wembley's grand design is well worth the wait", Michael Hart told us; can't seem to find it on the This is London website now. Just a statement on how Multiplex, responsible for building the stadium, are disappointed the the FA doesn't have 100% confidence in them. Does someone at the Standard have a stake in the deal? No more comments about the Athens Olympics now eh.